Hiding from Self-Authenticity
Self-Authenticity, is the degree in which I plan to own my personality, explore and share all of me. Things in life don’t make sense all of the time. We lose focus on importance and who we are. There are elements, obstacles and boundaries in which self-definition is to be disclosed privately. I choose to “Live”, to explore the better half of me in a way that only leaves boundaries for myself. I choose how far I go, and express my authenticity.
Growing up as a child in foster care I was always scared, shy, alone, abandoned and lonely. I grew up with so many feelings that could fill the page, but for a short few this explains my pain and anger. I wanted to be like the other kids and have “parents” real parents that were mine and not purchased by the state to act as a body of protection until I turned eighteen. There is one thing a child in foster care will not be able to get from a purchased parent: “the connection of true maternity love”.
When I was just eighteen years old I thought I found love. I wanted hopelessly to be in love since I had not felt it growing up. I made a decision that changed my life; I became a mother. Although I do not regret who my son is today, nor having a child, I would change the fact that I could have, and should have waited. I could’ve dealt with my inner demons better and left out the empty hole I felt I needed to fill in order to feel complete. Being a teen mom is not an easy task and growing up takes time. I would choose not to rush it.
My experience with domestic violence was a traumatic one. I was scared. No woman and or man should have to experience someone controlling them in a way in life that completely alters how they live in their own skin. The pain and suffering that you endure mentally and physically. The scare in your heart to do the things that you need to survive daily “breathe”. The hasty days that go by and you wishing you could just die to keep from being beaten anyhow. The day dreaming and the planning you have to make in order to save your life and get away before you allow someone to have full control over your destiny. “Pain”
Although my story continues I chose “life”. Despite my journey, despite my pain and those that caused it. I chose to step into authenticity. I chose to be who I am and not allow others wrong doings define me as a character. Why should I allow someone and life trials and tribulations to control me? That would mean I wouldn’t be me. Now this takes time when you have been through so much in life. I didn’t say it was easy. I’m still finding me. I’m saying I plan to keep on expressing me out loud until I can find out what my authenticity truly is.
Filling holes, leaving no gaps enclosed, changing the way others instilled into me.
I plan on just being ME.